Don’t Blame Me

I wouldn't have been late if mercury, it weren't in retrograde

It's not because I underestimate

Traffic and time and I regret saying that I would show up

Also, I'm pretty drunk

No, it's Mercury, flying behind me

It's out of my hands, part of the celestial plan

That I would show up to your baby shower blacking out

And piss on your lawn while firing my gun

Psshhhh! I love your lawn!

Pew, pew, pew

Don't blame me

Blame my astrology

You might think it's a way for me to not take responsibility

But that's exactly what a Taurus would say

Me, my sign is Scorpio

It's just something really special about me

Is that everyone wants to fuck me

It's not because I'm full of myself

I'm not a Leo

I'm not smug

I'm a cosmically sexual bug

Oh, I'm so intense, I burnt down my ex-boyfriend's house

He's such a Libra, they don't like it

When you burn down their house

You say that's arson, you're too critical

You're a Virgo and all

You're judgmental and I... your haircut's bad

Don't blame me

Blame my astrology

If I had just been born in the eve instead of morn

Then I wouldn't have barfed on your lap in your car

While I was trying to honk your horn

Oh, and I let your boyfriend eat me out because of the lunar eclipse

You know how it is, you know how I get on a lunar eclipse

What sign is the moon in right now anyway?

I bet you it's in the sign that makes me want to punch you right in the face

Well you look it up you say it's in Aries

And I said, that would explain

You said you lied and it's actually in Cancer

And I said, well that makes more sense anyway

You said you lied again and the moon is actually in Gemini

Huh

That explains exactly why you're two-faced and you lie

Now hold still while I punch you in the face while you cry

Under the light of the moon in Gemini

I got one, two, twin punches for you

Don't blame me

The stars decided who I'd be

That's why I feel no need

To offer my apology

The Sagittarian in me

My inevitable destiny

It's not my unresolved trauma

Or addiction to the bottle

No, it's something, something Capricorn, fuck off

You're not my mom