Pendemic

Yo

It's hard out here

It's hard out here for me

I don't get to make choices, make decisions

I'm just a pen

I'm just a fucking pen

Yo

I spent a lot o' days in a motel, I'm talkin' holidays

All defaced, get bent outta shape whenever I'm misplaced

In phone books and bibles, next to digits and addresses

Always rest on desktops while guests rock padded mattresses

(The fuck?)

Fuckin' savages

What am I a masochist?

Did some time in Minneapolis in manufactured packages

Sometimes on nights of vacancy

I make believe that I can take the heat, play for keeps

Anything I need to leave myself at bay while I wait impatiently

'Til the room's no longer taken

See no one

But outside hear someone that's fumbling with the brazen key

Then blatantly, he enters stumblin' toward the desk where I be

Snidely grinning while extending his arm feeling to find me

Then my mind clicks on and blinds me from the liquor beside me

While he's downing gin and Hennessy

Drowning in his memories

Violent kind of tendencies

Seems that life ain't never gave him nothin' but lemon trees

These enemies got me fiendin' for the motherfuckin' end of me

Wait – where's he sending me?

Met this flat-chested loose leaf out by the lobby pool

She's talkin' 'bout how college ruled

In retrospect, I'd tell myself to not be fooled

Illiterate to his intentions, blinded by her nature

Had I read between the lines, I could've saved her

Way before his actions passed the margin of acceptable behavior

It still beats me up inside the way she let him, naively

Brush my tip against her surface, then penetrate deeply

Virgin body polluted as he gave her my fluid

Giving birth to cursed words that remain deep-rooted

Has it ever occurred

You ain't the first person on Earth (first person on earth)

To find yourself immersed in a world full of hurt

(World full of hurt)

Hate to burst your bubble

You ain't have it the worst now (Nope)

Clearly, you can't hear me

Still, I gotta drop a verse (I gotta drop a verse)

I'm more cursed for certain, see you don't know what hurtin' is

Your pain is only temporary, mine's a life o' permanence

Wite Out's like make up, only covers the marks

Underneath the scars are causin' all these horrible

Thoughts and wants and needs that leave me stressed

No need to question me if I seem depressed

Left to guess what I must deal with next

How the fuck am I supposed to amount to this?

In your hand, I'm a vegetable 'cause your cowardice

Keeps me locked down, confound under house arrest

How I'm powerless

Tightened grip of your fist flicking

Inscribing as I'm guided by your writhing wrist

To my wife and kids

By now you've probably heard the worst yet y'all managed to live

Wish that I could've done the same but, yo, it is what it is

So it goes, where one life ends, another begins (I'm sorry)

I hate ya have to see me like this

Stricken with blindness

Concerned only by how inconvenient my fight is

I suppose thinking suicide's a victimless crime is kind of biased

But tragic shit's been a recurring habit of mine since

Those nights I'd shout for silence (shut up)

Screaming in agony, holding my head

Blaming my sinuses on migraines (shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up)

Maybe my shyness is to blame for why I hide things

Isolated nature, tidal wave behavior

And my mind is fixed on self-inflicted violence, I'm in danger

Not at my finest behavior

You could say every day feeling more like a stranger

Just know that you're in no way to blame for my condition

This was all my decision to no longer be living

Better than this life that all too often feels like fuckin' prison

Wishing it wasn't too late

Pills pump through my system, I envision Madi's cute face

Repetition's second victim, questioning his due date

Expeditions left to piss, that lonely street that few take

Oo, wait

Now little Madison don't need to know what's happenin'

Just say I had an accident

Teach our daughter 'bout that place called heaven that her dad is in

When I'm gone, don't mourn

'Cause I'll be with you in the form of whatever makes you happy

Hell yeah, I'm with you even when you're feeling crappy

Selfish act that I've committed, I'll admit it

Sittin' thinkin' 'bout it now makes me feel wicked

Stricken with shame like a victim

What if others think I'm lame like a chicken shit?

My state of mind before was packed up like a suitcase with certainty

But now it's tied up like a fucking shoelace and hurtin' me

I think that I shou-

Shou- shou- shhh