What Would Leonard Bernstein Do?

My dad is so weird, I'd love to meet him someday

You know, my friend was tellin' me that his dad used to beat him with a belt

And, uh, that's just the setup to my story, so forget about that poor son of a bitch

Anyway, so he was talkin', and I was waitin' for him to be done so that I could talk

You know, so he's talk, talk, talk, and oh, it's my turn next, and

I said, "My dad never hit us

My dad is a lawyer, and he was a debate team champion

So he would pick us apart psychologically"

One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, 'cause I had to be

My dad goes, "How was school today?"

I said, "It was good, but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw"

"And where were you?" I was over on the bench

"And what did you do?" Nothing, I was over on the bench

"But you saw what happened?" Yeah, 'cause I was over on the bench

"So you saw what happened, and you did nothin'?"

Yeah, 'cause I was sittin' over on the bench

Let me ask you this, in Nazi Germany

When people saw what the Nazis were doin', and they did nothin'

Were those good people? Oh, no, those are bad people

You gotta stop the Nazis, but you saw what they were doin' to Tyler

And you did nothin', 'cause "I was over on the bench"

And then my dad said, "Just explain to me this

How are you better than a Nazi?"

And then my mom said, "I made a salad with craisins"

And the conversation ended

My dad's a very weird and formal guy

A lotta people ask me if he gave me a sex talk, yes, I think

I was like 12 years old, and my dad walked up to me, and he said uh, "Hello

Hello, I'm Chip Mulaney, I'm your father"

And then he said the followin', "You know, Leonard Bernstein

Was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century

But sometimes he would be gay

And accordin' to a biography I read of him

When he was holdin' back the gay part, he did some of his best work"

Now, we don't have time to unpack all of that

And I don't know if he was discouragin' me from bein' gay

Or discouragin' me to be a classical composer

But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy

How would that ever work?

Like, years later, I'd be in college, about to go down on some rockin' twink

And I'd be like, "Wait a second, what would Leonard Bernstein do?"

I've never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you