Dr. Michael

I had a doctor in New York City that just wrote me prescriptions

Dr. Michael. No last name

Oh, I don't mean I'm protecting his identity. He never told me his last name

Even before the pandemic

Dr. Michael worked out of his apartment on Second Avenue. That's odd

I'd go to see Dr. Michael, and I'd knock on his door

And he'd always answer the door like this. He'd go

"My wife, Minerva, is sleeping." Like, really paranoid

But he wasn't saying

So keep your voice down. It was as if he was saying

I didn't just kill my wife Minerva

So then we'd go into his kitchеnette. To call it a kitchen would bе a great exaggeration

And we'd have our appointment

I'd go, I want Klonopin

And he'd go, Okay

And as he was writing it out on the pad and tearing it off, he'd go

Oh, what's it for

And I'd go, "I have anxiety." And he'd go

Oh, then you need it

And then Dr. Michael, he'd always go

Hey, you want a flu shot

Aw, He wanted to be like a real doctor

I go

No, Michael, you already gave me two flu shots this month, man. I feel crazy I feel super sick

Then he'd go, Do you want a B12 Shot? You want a vitamin shot

So he always wanted to give me a shot of some kind, because he had, like, a thing

I mean, look, a guy named Dr. Michael that works out of his apartment is gonna have a thing

Michael's thing was, he wanted guys to take their shirts off in his apartment. You're all uncomfortable now, but I'm way over it

And also, if you think this story ends with me being like

And I said, 'Absolutely not, you're about to be so disappointed

So we had this little, like, charade. I'd roll up my T-shirt sleeve and Michael would come in with the syringe

And he'd go, "Um, I'm gonna need the whole shirt off." I'd be like

Thirty Klonopin, two refills

Wapow And then the sexual harassment would stop, to be fair

So maybe that was his whole thing

It was just getting guys to take their shirts off. Or maybe there was something about me with my shirt off that stops sexual harassment

You know, that story has two morals. One, now you know that. You didn't used to

The other moral is this. You should get vaccinated and get a booster and all of that. But these days, when you hear people be like

Just trust doctors, ha-ah

Anytime you hear someone say, "Trust doctors," just remember, somewhere, in a kitchenette sits Dr. Michael

And if he's so trustworthy

Why is Minerva always sleeping

So they took my prescriptions

They take my prescriptions. Now this was all at four o'clock in the morning when I first checked into rehab

Let's flash forward 12 hours now to 4:00 p.m. that same day. I'm in my hospital room, in the detox hospital at this rehab

I had to go to detox for like four or five days when I first got there 'cause of everything in my system

I'm in my hospital room. I've been in rehab at this point for 12 hours. I have not gone to sleep during that time. And my total time awake to this point is 50 hours

Now, the doctors are trying to give me a bunch of medication to calm me down. But by this point in my life, my tolerance for sedatives was superhuman

No matter what they give me, they cannot subdue me. I'm like the great Rasputin, they cannot bring me to my knees

Just then, a legitimately good doctor walks into my hospital room. If you have only been seeing Dr. Michael for the past few years, a good, legitimate doctor is terrifying. It's like an exorcist

This guy walked in like, "Hi, I'm Dr. Henry Ford Askew." I was like, "No. Two names

No. Oh! Hey. You want my shirt off, huh

You like this? You like stuff? What kind of a doctor are you, huh? Is your wife dead, ah-shu

I scream at this doctor. I go, "Where's my Klonopin?" We cannot give you your Klonopin

Why not? We are a rehab. I cannot give you a Schedule II narcotic under Pennsylvania state law

And I said, "Pennsylvania state law? Well, what if we go to a pharmacy in New Jersey

You see, I thought he was telling me about a predicament that we were both caught up in

Like, he was like, "Look, I would love to give you these pills

You are clearly a super-chill young man, bobbing and weaving in a hospital gown and a pair of New Balance sneakers for the past 12 hours but this pesky state of Pennsylvania

Oh-ho-ho, doctor, what if we go to a pharmacy in New Jersey

"Oh, my God, no one has ever thought of that. You're the first drug addict here to have a scheme. Let's go in my car. You're clearly ready to leave the grounds

That was at 4:00 p.m. Three hours later, 7:00 p.m., I finally go to sleep

They give me enough of this drug called Librium, and I drop. They put a nurse in my hospital room to make sure I stay asleep 'cause I had been trouble

I'm not sure what it was exactly that got them so worried

But it might have been when I said, "I'm gonna pretend to go to sleep. And then when you're all like, 'He's asleep, ' and you leave my room

I'm gonna run the fuck out of this rehab." Something about saying that out loud, twice, to two different staff members had raised a few eyebrows