Sticks At the Sides

I wake up to pangs of shame

It’s red hot, but I can’t put my finger on why exactly

but It’s a weekly occurrence since we all got back together

There’s only so much my phone can tell me

So I make the executive decision to stub it out with more of the same

I’ve said yes to at least three different social events tonight,

Ranging from pretty pleasant to downright horrible

The latter doesn’t seem so attractive in the light

So I sit tight for most of the day, soaking up everything my living room has to offer me. By the time 6 o’clock comes around I’m pretty fired up and make a bee line to Steph’s. En route It occurs to me exactly what happened to get me so riled up this morning

So I sprint the rest of the way to keep it at bay.

It sticks at the sides but I’m mostly together by the time I get there.

Someone new answers the door and I nod solemnly

They change too quickly to bother with pleasantries so I slip through without saying a thing. I haven’t said a word all day in fact, and the concept suddenly fills me with dread

So I clear my throat and rasp a hello to no one.

Steph’s tiny head pokes round a door, and he looks elated.

His tan cracks around the creases and it’s pretty clear he’s already started on supplies.

No surprises and I gladly pick up where I left off.

Later on, somewhere between the car and the cashpoint James turns to me and recites his weekly mantra:

“At what point do I stop?”

“I’m nearly 30 and I’ve been flirting with the same clubs and bedroom floors Week in, week out since I was old enough to know what was bad for me But what if that’s as good as it gets?

A sweaty exchange with a stranger in a darkened room.

An awkward kiss between sniffs in a toilet cubicle

It sounds sad on paper but right now it feels pretty viceral, don’t you think?”

I suggest it just be the chemicals and not something worth hanging onto. I steer the conversation somewhere safe and we’re back on track.

The night has no right to be as good as it is

But before I know it, it’s 4 and some scumbag is huffing nos from a binbag I take that as my cue to leave.