Doc's Talkin' Blues

I've got a little tale I'd like to tell to you Of fun and foolishness, and some of it's true Hey, some of it bad and some of it nice And a little of it just plain old advice That is, to you young'uns That's thinking about getting married You can take some advice from an old - 'Cause I jumped the broomstick a long time ago I got in awful late the other night And me and my wife had the darndest fight She pulled my hair and then mashed my nose Kicked my shins and stomped my toes That woman was mad at me Trouble of it was, she waited 'til I got my shoes off 'fore she started anything You know, that ingrown toenail still hurts I was going down the road in my model T When a big chicken got in front of me I killed that rooster right there on the spot And I figured, well I - the one the old man's got So I better go back and see about it I drove right up to the edge of his yard He's a'choppin' wood, or working awful hard I looked the old man right square in the face And I says, "Sir your rooster, I'd like to replace" And he looked at me kinda puzzled for a minute And said, "Son, start crowing" I was a'pulling up turnips, down on my knees When I stirred up a nest of some kind of bees And about three dozen got my pants And it wasn't very long 'til I began to dance I was a'doin' the shimmy and the shake at the same time You know, that's nearly enough to make a feller run off And leave his britches, and that's just what I've done Couldn't help it I was standing in a corner by the mantlepiece Around over my head sat a bottle of grease I greased my feet with some of that grease And I went slipping along under that mantlepiece Hunting cigarette duds, I wanted to do the job quick Found some birch toothbrushes But the girls had dipped all the snuff There wasn't a swipe left Make up the beds, gals make 'em up nice That Doc and Bill Monroe's are coming here tonight They love chicken, they love pie Don't tell our wives, but we like the sisters too I went down to the henhouse to look for an egg And I heard an old rooster shaking a leg He's giving big orders to them hens upstairs And strutting around and putting on air And them hens are singing, that rooster was kinda preaching He was bossing that place pretty well For when he took up a collection, they paid off in eggs I think I'll keep that rooster I was sitting in the woods on a great big log With my finger on the trigger and my eye on a hog This is before they had the stock law, you know Pulled the trigger and my gun said zip And I jumped on the hog with all my grip The thing misfired I could see the notches in the ears Where I'd branded him when he was a pig But I'll tell you, he was wilder than a jackrabbit But he's fast There was a squirrel gnawing on a hickory nut You oughta heard that rascal cut I fired that gun and it made a big bang The thing kicked me down and I couldn't see a thing Dang, I broke my shoulder Worst part of it was I missed my squirrel