Perception Check

On the horizon of this forest path you see a group of dark-cloaked figures Slowly trudging towards you, what do you do? My half-orc barbarian braces her great hammer and– That's a one Critical fail, Steve what do you do? Well, I believe in anticipation My rogue would try and hide behind a tree– Okay, I rolled a one That's another critical fail Tom what does your human bard do? Active perception check That's a natural 20 Let's fucking go I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes These motherfuckers mean to harm us and they got to go So c'mon get 'em now You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my tight crew, ooh, ooh There's no escaping it, I can perceive you Here's what we're gonna do Me and my boys are gonna mess you up I rolled a one (I rolled a one) Fuck My boys are otherwise engaged So I'm gonna bring it all myself Hey, I forgot You're supposed to tell me what I see, right? Yes, thank you, let's just slow it all down a bit So you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter– I cast vicious mockery Nat 20, let's go You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you Short! Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is" And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships And when you were born everybody thought that you were just a head But then the doctor said "Wait This stupid motherfucking tiny short-arse baby Got a tiny little itty-bitty body And I hate it" Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure Perception check, please Nat 20, let's go You perceive the figure was so short because it was a child (it's always a kid) Specifically, the child you've been looking for, for the last 15 days game-time And five days of our actual lives Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better Fuck, his body's just lying there, right? Right? Yes (don't) Loot that body (gotta loot that body, now) Loot that body (gotta loot that motherfucker) Playing my flute when I loot that dead kid's body Bitch