After Everything

If I trace it back enough times

My fingers on faint spotty lines

Feeling for figures and signs

Of how it all happened

Lately I’m doubting myself

Think maybe I just wanted out

The meanest thing you ever said

Did I imagine it

The birthday party

In the back of the bar

I’m not sorry

For falling apart

For the record

In the dim foreign haze

I felt proud that night of the life

And the friends that I’d made

I wanted everything back then

And after everything I’m no different

We were sick as dogs in Berlin

You came just to help me move in

Your head in my lap in the park

Starving for sunlight

Taking the bus across town

To drink a beer by the canals

People everywhere just hanging out

It felt like a painting

I wanted everything back then

And after everything I’m no different

Got off the plane in the cold

Cried at the border control

Police man said welcome back home

And I just kept walking

I had the address written down

Drove all the way there myself

Filled all the paperwork out

And did what they asked of me

I’m still angry I don’t get to explain

But it’s probably better at the end of the day

In all my laboring

To feel understood

I’d yet to learn what its worth just to know how to feel good

I wanted everything back then

And after everything I’m no different

I'm no different

I'm so different

I would feel it all again

I would brave and make another mess

I’m no different

I’m so different