The Cheaters Cheated: IX. Cavalilly Man

Tune: Cavalilly Man

Wat: Now farawel Lungeon, iche may zing,

Chill no more here until the next spring,

Chave put in security vor the thing,

Which no body can deny.

Che did a veat in Zomerzet-Zhire

Which vorst me at virst to zee vashions here,

Ich cham out of the vrying pan into the vere

Che either must burn or vrye.

In plush and in zatten a vynely wrought

Ich chave laid out forty pound every groat …

Filch: I want a silk waistcoat, Nim: I lack a plush coat,

Wat: Ch’ave puttne all in the trunk.

Here’s zilk and gold and zilver strings,

Here’s gloves, silk hozen, points [laces] and rings …Filcher jumps out

Filch: Stand! Wat: What are you? Filch: Lay down your things!

Wat: Why sure the meazle is drunk.

What would ye do to a poor countrey man?

Nim: First lay down your trunk, you shall know more anon

Wat: And very vine way to have my trunk gone;

Filch: Do so or I’le knock thee down!

Wat: Nay vaith, good Gentleman, since ch’have zeen it,

Chill lay it down there, and if ye can win it,

Thou zhalt have my trunk and all that is in it,

’Twill cost above vorty pound.

Filch: (draws sword) I’l have as much blood as thy heart can afford!

Wat: Thou cowardly knave, wilt thou vight with a zword?

But since ’tis but one, ich care not a twoord [turd]

Nim: (appears with sword) And what do you think of another!

This rapier I thorow thy body will run

Wat: Ud zooks! there’s no vighting with two agen one,

Ich che rather will trust to my legs and be gon. Wat runs off

Filch: Why now gramercy brother!

Nim: The rascal already is run out of sight,

Filch: His hands are vile heavy, Nim: His legs are as light,

The plush for a jacket I claim as my right

Filch: Which really I deny.

For was it not I that prov’d the projector

Nim: But if this good sword had not been your protector

The clown would have made you a pittiful Hector

And beaten you, Filch: Sirra, ye lye!

My force hath been try’d against castles and towers

The prize, as it lies, is equally ours!

Let victory make it out mine or yours

Nim: I grant it with all my heart.

They fight over the trunk. Enter Moll

Moll: What mad men are these! Pray what do you mean?

I never did see such a sorrowful scene!

Nay, sweet Mr Filcher— Filch: Stand further ye quean! [impudent hussy]

I’le make the proud rascal smart.

Moll: You alwayes were friends, what makes ye fall out?

Pray tell me, what is the quarrel about?

Nim: This duel will suddenly end all the doubt:

Moll: I’le suffer between your swords.

E’re such a kind couple of Hectors as ye

Shall squabble and quarrel for Paddington Tree [London’s much-feared triple gallows]

Jack Filcher, Tom Nim, be counsel’d by me,

Deliver your cause in words.

You know that the law against duels is high,

Nim: That rodomontado [boaster] there, gave me the lye!

Moll: Pray do but consider that Tyburn is nigh—

Nim: That very word cools my wrath.

For my own part I onley would live by my trade,

Filch: The bargain betwixt us must end by the blade!

Moll: Pray let me but know the conditions ye made

I’le judge it between ye both.

Filch: I’le tell you then, how the quarrel did rise

This fellow and I have took a rich prize,

Nim: And now he denies me my share in’t— Filch: He lies!

We agreed that the sword should decide it.

This trunk is well furnished as e’re it can hold,

With silk and with velvet, with silver and gold

Moll: Turn’t all into money, and when it is sold,

You equally may divide it.

But first, what assurance have you, when you win it,

’Tis worth all this danger? Nim: We yet have not seen it;

Moll: Why then, let us open’t and see what is in it,

That ev’ry thing may be shown.

Nim: A match! Let her break the trunk open and see,

Moll: It may be by this means you’l sooner agree,

Filch: Faith, open or shut, it’s all one to me,

I vow I’le have all or none.

Moll opens the trunk and takes out the baby

Moll: Then look to your bargain, you both are beguil’d!

Pray tell me if this be the velvet three pil’d?

Is this figur’d satin? Nim: I vow ’tis a child!

You swore you’d have all or none!

Filch: I’le stand to my bargain, for I will have none!

Nim: What, can you so suddenly alter your tone?

Moll: Come kiss it and love it, for, Filch, ’tis your own—

Remember when we were alone.

For this pretty babe I have shed many showers,

And suffer’d a thousand disconsolate hours,

As sure as ’tis mine, I’m certain ’tis yours,

I never knew man but you.

Filch: These projects, to me, are riddles and charms,

How came the child hither? Moll: For fear of worse harms,

I left it just now in a countrey-man’s arms,

A fellow that I never knew.

’Twas left to be lost, though the plot would not hit,

I never could see you to tell you of it,

A countrey-man bought it [‘brought’ in Jordan’s original]. Filch: A pox of his wit!

I would I were rid of my life!

Moll: Before I knew Filcher I was a pure maid,

Pray do but remember the contract we made,

You said you would wed me, and live by your trade,

Filch: I’le presently make thee my wife.

Moll: For all the world’s wealth I will ne’re be a whore,

Filch: I’le purchase new credit upon an old score.

Nim: I’le deal in these damnable courses no more,

All: We everyone will mend.

Filch: I never will quarrel or swagger and roar,

Nim: Then make the poor simpletons pay all the score,

Moll: I never will do as I have done before,

All: We every one will mend. Exeunt