Singing Simpkin: II. Prince Rupert's March

Tune: Prince Rupert’s March

Enter servant

Servant: There is a Royster at the door,

He seems a fellow stout

Simpkin: I beseech you worthy friend,

Which is the back way out!

Servant: He swears and tears he will come in

And nothing shal him hinder

Simpkin: I fear hee’l strip me out my skin

And burn it into tinder! Exit servant

Wife: I have consider’d of a way

And t’will be sure the best.

Simpkin: What may it be my dearest dear?

Wife: Creep into this same chest.

And though he roar, speak you no word

If you’l preserve my favour,

Simpkin: Shut to the chest, I pray, with speed,

For something has some savour

Simpkin climbs into the chest and shuts the lid. Bluster bursts in

Bluster: I never shal be quiet

If she use me in this fashion!

Wife: I’m here to bid you welcom,

What mean you by this passion?

Bluster: With some young sweet-fac’d fellow

I thought gone out you were—

Simpkin: (opening lid) No sooth the sweet-fac’d fellow

Is kept a prisoner here. (Shuts again)

Bluster: Where is the foole thy husband,

Say whither is he gone?

Wife: The wittall [a cuckold who turns a blind eye] is a hunting

Bluster: Then we two are alone

But should he come and find me here,

What might the cuckold think?

Perhaps hee’d call the neighbours in,

Simpkin: (from chest) And beat you till you stink!

Bluster: Yet in the bloody war full oft

My courage I did try.

Wife: I know you have kild many a man,

Simpkin: (You lie, you slut, you lie!)

Bluster: I never came before a foe

By night nor yet by day,

But that I stoutly rouz’d myself

Simpkin: (And nimbly ran away!)

Bluster: Within this chest Ile hide myself

If it chance he should come.

Wife: O no my love, that cannot be

Simpkin: (I have bespoke the room!)

Wife: I have a place behind here

Which yet is known to no man [prostitutes offered anal intercourse to avoid pregnancy]

Simpkin: (She has a place before, too,

But that is all too common!)

Husband: (from outside) Wife, wherefore is the door thus bar’d?

What mean you pray by this?

Wife: Alas it is my husband!

Simpkin: (I laugh now till I piss)

Bluster: Open the chest, Ile into it,

My life else it may cost.

Wife: Alas I cannot open it,

Simpkin: (I beleeve the key is lost).

Wife: I have bethought myself

Upon a dainty trick

Bluster: What may it be my dearest love?

I prethee now be quick!

Wife: You must say that your enemy

Into this house is fled,

And that your heart can take no rest

Untill that he be dead

Draw quickly out your furious blade

And seem to make a strife

Swear all th’excuses can be made

Shall not preserve his life,

Say that the rogue is fled in here

That stole away your coin,

And if Ile not deliver him,

You’l have as much of mine.

Bluster: Here’s no man but myself—

On whom shall I complain?

Wife:This great fool does not understand—

This thing you must but faign!

My husband thus will be deceiv’d

And afterwards wee’l laugh—

Husband: (outside) Wife, since you will not ope the door,

I’ll break’t ope with my staff!

Husband bursts in; they act the scenario, Bluster ‘threatens’ the Wife

Bluster: Good woman shew me to the slave,

His limbs I strait wil tear!

Wife: By all the honesty I have,

There’s no man came in here!

Bluster: When I have fought to purchase wealth

And with my blood did win it—

This rogue has got my purse by stealth

Simpkin: (But never a peny in it!)

Husband: She’s big with child, therefore take heed

You do not fright my wife.

Bluster: But know you who the father is?

Simpkin: (The Roarer on my life!)

Husband: She knows not of your enemy,

Then get you gone you were best,

Wife: (to Husband) Peace husband, peace, I tell you true,

I have hid him in the chest.

Husband: I’m glad on’t at my heart

But doe not tell him so,

Wife: I would not for a thousand pound

The Roarer should it know.

Bluster: (still acting) When next we meet his life is gone,

No other must he hope!

Ile kill him whatsoere comes on’t!

Simpkin: (Pray think upon a rope)

Husband: (to Wife) What kind of person is it

That in the chest does lie?

Wife: A goodly hansome sweet young man

As ere was seen with eye,

Husband: Then let us both entreat of him,

(to Blust) Pray put us not in fear:

We do beseech you go from hence.

Bluster: But tomorrow Ile be here! Blust exit

Husband: Wife, run with all the speed you can

And quickly shut the dore,

I would not that the roaring man

Should come in any more.

Mean time, I wil release the youth

And tell him how we have sped:

Be comforted my honest friend Simpkin climbs out of chest

Simpkin: Alas I am almost dead

My heart is tortur’d in my breast

With sorrow, fear and pain

Husband: Ile fetch some aqua vitae

To comfort you again.

Simpkin: (aside) And cause I will requite you

Whose love doth so excell,

Ile graft a pair of horns on your head

That may defend it well.

Wife: Good husband, let the man stay here,

’Tis dang’rous in the street,

Husband: I would not for a crown of gold,

The Roarer should him meet,

For should he come by any harm,

They’d say the fault were mine

Wife: (to Simp) Here’s half a crown, pray send him out

To fetch a quart of wine.

Simpkin: (to Husb) There’s money for you sir,

Pray fetch a quart of sack.

Husband: ’Tis well, my honest friend,

Ile see you shall not lack

Wife: But if he should dishonest me,

For there are such slipp’ry men—

Husband: Then he gets not of his half crown,

One peny back agen. Husb exit

Simpkin: Thy husband being gone my love,

Wee’l sing, wee’l dance and laugh,

I’m sure he is a good fellow

And takes delight to quaff

Wife: Ile fold thee in my arms my love,

No matter for his listning

Gentlemen, some forty weeks hence,

You may come to a Christning!

Husband, listening at the door, bursts in

Husband: O sirrah, have I caught you—

Now do the best you can!

Your schoolmaster nere taught you

To wrong an honest man—

Simpkin: Good sir, I never went to schole,

Then why am I abused?

The truth is I am but a foole

And like a fool am used.

Husband: Yet sirrah, you had wit enough

To think to cuckold me.

Wife: I jested with him husband,

His knavery to see

Simpkin: But now you talk of knaverie,

I pray where is my sack?

Husband: You shall want it in your belly, sir,

And have it on your back!

They beat him away