Out of Deep Waters

I received a gift

At twenty two and a half:

A capacity for doubt

I'd not previously had

Disgruntled and disoriented

I wanted none of that

But what I can I say?

There's no going back

Oh, you

Who I love

And I long for

But can't see:

Bring your palm

To my fingers

And be willing

To bless me

On the stony beach

I asked if I was alone

Grieving the nilness

Of the best friend that I had known

So catch me here

Conversing with

A myth while a rift grows

Between myself

And all the certainties I've known

Oh, you (yoo-hoo!)

Who I love (where are you?)

And I long for (I've been lost)

But can't see: (and waiting for you)

Bring your palm

To my fingers

And be willing

To bless me

Oh, you (yoo-hoo!)

Who I love (where are you?)

And I long for (I've been lost)

But can't see: (and waiting for you)

Bring your palm

To my fingers

And be willing

To bless me

So a voice rose from the rift:

Cast your woes; belief is a gift

With deepening dread

I made my reply:

Will you find me again

If I leave you to die?

Once more came the voice:

Do you trust what I've said?

And don't you know me?

I come back from the dead

So I let bitter doubting

Pour into my cup

And was laid in the sea

As they lifted him up

Oh

For Mary, I know

It was all a relief

But I'm lonelier than ever

In my unbelief

Pressure crowds in

And I know I can't breathe

I don't know up from down, and now

Something ensnares me:

Netting is pressing

And breaking my skin

I fight it, exhausted

But kicking and writhing

Voices of loved ones

Begin to break in

I register faintly

And give up my fighting

While Christians, apostates

Heretics, kin, are all

Pulling the ropes of

The net that I'm caught in

This baptism isn't

Quite what I imagined

I break through the surface

And see I've been drowning