No One Can Help Me

When I'm dead and gone

The spreadsheet wonders I've been weaving

Will all just die with me

Leaving nothing for the grieving

Family to see and say

"Look, he did all this by himself"

My eulogy will mostly be

Some shortcuts in Excel

But I want to leave something behind

Something that really matters so

I will make my family proud

And I will build a patio

So that my kids will tell my grandkids

"Look, he did all this by himself

Let's raise a glass to grandad

He was really something else"

(Then just) when I think that I've secured

My legacy for sure

And even though we've got a bell

There's a loud knock at the door

Oh, Dad. Oh, hi

Are you here cos you can smell the DIY?

If not why, did you decide that you'd just come and drop by?

I don't know what you want to do

Or what you're here to see

I'm pretty sure that I've got everything I need

And no one can help me

Dad says hi and steps aside

And I cannot believe my eyes

Oh why oh why has he arrived

With all these tools and these supplies

He says "I've got stacks of sandstone slabs

And I don't want to bore you

Or just tell you what to do, so tell you what

I'll do it for you!"

I close the door, and head out back

To do a silent scream

Standing in a puddle

Where the patio should be

I don't know what you want to do

Or what you're here to see

Or how grateful you're expecting me to be

Cos no one can help me

No one can help me

My wife tries to calm me down

Saying we've been through this before

Then, even though we've got a bell

There's a loud knock at the door

"Hi son" says Dad "The door blew shut"

And while I'm here I'll get it fixed

Your Uncle Trevor's here to help

With all the heavy lifting bits

You should prob'ly put the kettle on

While we do all the tricky stuff

Two sugars for your uncle Trev

But none for me, I'm sweet enough

Oh, Dad. Oh, hi

I'm sure you're being helpful in your mind

And that's fine. So please tell me what I've done wrong this time…

Every time I try and try

To do something myself

Here comes Dad and some mouth-breathing uncle

To offer their unhelpful help

I don't know what you want to do

Or what you're here to see

I've really got to do this thing for me

I want show my family that

I can do this by myself

I don't remember asking for your help

Then my wife says

Stop!

He's not trying to be difficult

He doesn't think that he's above you

You know he does this stuff for you

Because men his age can't say "I love you"

Try and think of this as bonding time

With just you and your Dad

He might wind you up right now

But he's the only one you have

He won't be around forever

I just think he wants to prove

He can do this by himself and still be of use

Why don't you just let him help you?

No one can help me

No one can help me