The Ballad of Caleb Thompson

What's up? My name is Caleb Thompson

And I'm 14 years old

My family's rich and my mom's a bitch

And I can't be controlled

My life is hard 'cause I am white

And my teachers make me do stuff

And I don't know what I want

To be when I grow up

Then one day I see this guy at school

He looks so cool all dressed in blue

Everyone has to do what he says

Now I know where I see myself

I'll be a cop

I'll be a big strong cop

And everyone'll listen to me

I'll be obeyed

And I'll just fucking murder

Anyone who disagrees

I'll be a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

I'll be a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

I'll be a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

Oh

I look at boobs on the internet

And I think that makes me cool

And pigs don't need to know how to read

So I can quit goin' to school

I like to shoot the neighbor's dog

With my BB gun

And I feel threatened when a Black person goes for a run

And instead of recognizing my flaws and biases and growing as a person

I'll be a cop

I'll be a real tough cop

So everything I do is legal

And I'll harass

Black people and brown people

And poor people and homeless people and women and gay people

And basically anybody who's even a little bit different from me

I'll be a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

I'll be a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

I'll be a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

Oh

Then one day you'll see me at your school

I'll look so cool all dressed in blue

You'll respect me when I'm on patrol

Protect and serve those in control

What's up? My name is Officer Thompson

And I'm 21 years old

I got my badge and my super cool gun

And I'm finally in control

I've only shot like seven innocent people

And now everyone's all mad

But all the boys at the precinct tell me

That they've got my back

And besides, they were all holding cell phones or wallets

Or other scary things

And I lack basic comprehension skills

So I can't tell the difference between a normal object and a weapon

'Cause I'm a cop

Yes, I'm the best fucking cop

And I don't even have to think

I beat my wife

And I think I'm brave

'Cause I can face anything

Except for consequences, of course

'Cause I'm a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

'Cause I'm a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

Yes, I'm a cop

Bop bah, bah dop bah

Oh, I'm a cop