A Wee Dram On the Side

Five days a week you’re another man’s slave

But come Saturday night you’re the last of the brave

Wi’ your wee half bottle and enough after shave

To make you smell like an old whore’s handbag

You’re looking for a lumber for a chance to get aff

Or a classy wee number wi’ a good line of chaff

But you’d settle for a pint and a right good laugh

And a wee dram on the side

And it’s horses for courses and you run the bell

And a hard luck story makes a fine tale to tell

Whatever you’re drinking I’ll hae the same mysell

Wi’ a wee dram on the side

See the wee un in the corner with the bangle on her wrist

Wi’ a pal that’s liberated and another pal that’s pissed

Well noo’s not the time to get your knickers in a twist

For her girlfriend’s six foot seven

So here’s power tae your elbow and a word in yer ear

If your gonna Ballylickie son yer dinay start frae here

Sit yersells in beside her stop crying in yer beer

And hae a wee dram on the side

Aye but ten pints later it’s a different tune

You know you’d never get it up but it doesnay get yer doon

For there’s nae use greeting or barking at the moon

Especially when the bloody thing keeps shifting

Aye and anyway you’ve left behind the foolishness of youth

You’re a cultivated drinker with an intellectual droop

So you step up to the bar for a last pint of truth

And a wee dram on the side