Screech In

Now there's a solemn, old tradition for admission or audition

To transition from a come from away (To be a Newfoundlander)

The only other way, at any rate

Is pass away and pray to fate

And wait to reincarnate (As a Newfoundlander)

Hey, hey, come on inside

Nothing ventured, nothing tried

(Only a couple people cried)

You'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey, sit down right here

You'll feel better in a year

(Try to ignore your doubts and fears)

And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Now we need a couple volunteers

Who wants to become a Newfoundlander?

Right here

Good man, who else?

I have no idea why I put up my hand, and Kevin's like

Oh my god, are you serious?

Oh my god, you are serious

Yes, I'm serious, don't do it if you don't want to

I won't

Where you from, buddy?

Los Angeles

L-A, who else?

Us, we want to be Newfoundlanders

All right, where you folks from?

(Texas) Texas, what part of Texas are you from buddy?

No, no, I'm from Texas, he's from England

Wait, now how does that work?

How does what work?

Well, how does your marriage work with you being in England and her in Texas?

We're not married

I'm sorry, I assumed you were married (No)

Well, would you like to be?

Well, why not?

Diane had had two beers by then, so it was probably the alcohol talking

I've never had more than one beer at a time before, so it was probably the alcohol talking

I went and got her two more beers

Now the first part is the easiest

We'll soon get to the queasiest

I'll need you to repeat this mess (When you become a Newfoundlander)

'Cause we speaks a different language, son

We add some essess and some rum

You'll have to try a good cod tongue (When you become a Newfoundlander)

Hey, hey, just do your best

Nothin' scary, nothin' yet

(You'll have to change the way you're dressed)

And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey, just sing along

Nothing ventured, just prolonged

(There's thirty verses in this song)

And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Ladies and gentlemen, this is screech

Back in World War Two, an officer was stationed here and was offered some of this stuff

All the locals were tossin' it back with nare' a quiver, so he does, too

And let's out an ear piercin'

Everybody comes to what's happening and says

(What was that ungodly screech?)

And now it's your turn, are you ready?

Good, all together now

One (One)

Two (Two)

Three (Three)

Down the hatch

Screech is basically bad Jamaican rum

Screech is horrific

Screech is delicious

And then they brought the cod

The cod

The cod

The cod

Now with every transformation comes a tiny bit of risk

You got to walk the plank, and there'll be blood or there'll be bliss

And it's the same to be a Newfoundlander, every person's wish

So don't be dumb, just take the plunge

Go on, kiss the fish

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a genuine freshly caught Newfoundland cod

And if you want to be an honorary Newfoundlander, you'll have to give her a smooch

One

If you kiss that I am never kissing you again

I'll risk it

Two

I'm not kissing a fish

Come on, I will if you will

Oh my god, fine

Three

I can't do it

What, I just did

Now you've got to kiss the cod, it's a vital part of the ceremony

I can't do it

All right, look, I'll make you a deal

Either you kiss the fish, or else you kiss this Englishman that you're not married to

Hey, hey, come on tonight

Take a risk and take a ride

Jump right in with both feet tied

And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey, come on once more

Nothing venture, nothing sore

After it's over, out the door

And you'll be a Newfoundlander

After it's over you'll remember

That you're a Newfoundlander