It Shoulda Been You

Marty Kaufman.

Murray!

Congratulations!

Me?

What did I do?

Well-

I got a good deal on this hall, that's what I did.

Half off the hoopa and a panini station.

Impressive.

You're not going to do anything crazy, are you, Marty?

Why would I?

What with you and Rebecca-

It's in the past, Brian is-

Oh, he is.

He's a terrific guy...

It shoulda been you.

What?

It shoulda been you.

Right.

Somebody I like,

who makes me laugh, should take my daughter for a wife.

It shouldn't be him!

I swear, the guy can't tell a joke to save his life.

He speaks Yiddish like he learned it from a nun.

When he says 'so new'.

If I had a gun!

It shoulda been you.

Murray, the girls have disappeared!

Ah.

So go find 'em, I'm having a minute with Marty.

You're minute's up.

Hello, Marty.

What'd I do?

My daughter breaks your heart and

you don't have the decency to call me?

Um...

Sorry?

It shoulda been you.

Oh, no.

And woulda been you,

if she only had the common sense to take my word that you were it.

I told her, "

He's always been around you,

might as well make him legit.

" Once you find a decent fit, you keep him on.

It shoulda been you.

Instead of this John.

Brian.

He's got a tattoo.

Have you got a tattoo, Marty?

T shoulda been you!

Uh, I don't know what to say.

To think that you'd want me in your family-

It's not too late.

Believe me, they say that every bride has got some doubt.

Exploit that, and if that doesn't work, just knock her out.

Do something!

You gotta save the day!

Even just to know you tried will make me feel less suicidal.

Does Rebecca know you feel this way?

Who is this young man here?

Uncle Morty, how have you been?

I'm serious, who are you?

Marty Kaufman.

Friend of Rebecca's?

Oh.

It shoulda been you.

You, too?

At least you're a Jew.

Thank you!

I don't have a thing against the

gentiles; I respect their heathen ways.

But everyone knows you never marry when you're in your Golem phase.

He's so white-bred, he sweats mayonnaise.

It's true.

Of all of her men, it shoulda been you.

Who are you again?

It's Marty, remember?

I thought he was Lou.

Who's Lou?

There is no Lou.

He didn't take his medication.

It shoulda been Lou!

It's not too late, believe me,

as long as there is love there will be hope.

And these days, monogamy is on a downward slope.

This Brian could cheat another day.

Maybe I should talk to him and see if he likes older women.

Ha ha ha.

I'm sorry, have we met?

This is my sister, Sheila.

I've heard so much about you.

Sheila, Marty comes from a good family.

Thanks, Mrs. Steinberg.

It shoulda been you.

On cue!

Who's better than you?

Lou.

They tell me you own your own apartment and some land upstate.

You two woulda had the perfect children, what with genes that great!

Made a matchless mate!

Well, it's been great!

Goodbye, now.

I know you're in demand, it's really not what I had planned!

Rebecca, like I thought you'd understand.

Goodbye now, let's not get out of hand.

Hold it, hold it, just stop!

Can any of you even hear yourselves?

I certainly can't.

Marty, you don't know what you put us through!

It coulda, it woulda, it shoulda been you!