Natural Disasters

How could you not be stressed

With everything that's going on in the world?

What about that rapture that was supposed to hit us?

See, this stuff happens

Natural things happen that you can't help

That rapture never hit us, thank God

But I guess it got pushed out to sea or something

They never say why it never hit us

You know, there's no

But I knew it wasn't going to hit us like the day before

Because I made a random phone call to Australia

Third day ahead of us

And guess what?

Somebody picked up the phone, yeah

I said, thank you, that's all I need to know

And the refrigerator's running

And I had preserves in the can

So it was a win-win situation for me

But yeah, but stuff happens

What about these tsunamis with a T?

That's how powerful these waves are

They suck other letters from the alphabet

Onto them that don't even belong there

That T has no right being on that word with an S, tsunami

You can't say it now without stuttering

Look out for that ts-ts

Ah, it's too late

It's too late now

Somewhere there's another word

That needed that T that doesn't have it now

And it better not be tornado

Look out for that ornado

What? What? Ornado, oh

I want to be in a tornado

You ever been in a tornado?

I want to be in a tornado

I want to be down in the basement, safe

With like a big mattress over me

And just listen to everything hit the house

You know, with a draft coming under the door

Oh, I like that, I just look at the mattress

I like that

But it's got to be crazy just hearing everything outside

Animals running, cows getting picked up

Moo, moo, moo

That's all you hear, moo, moo

It's like a cow NASCAR

Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo

I grew up on a small farm in Connecticut

It was only like a half an acre

Which presented a problem

'Cause we had about fifteen hundred head of cattle

So we would stack them all to get them on the property

What about that Japanese tsunami? That was tragic

And, hm, these newscasters

The local newscasters that live in the West Coast

They try to get you so scared, so riled, like, you know, this is it

You know, it's coming after us now, it's coming after us

They're down by the water with the cameras

Which meant it wasn't coming after us, you know

And they're saying, oh, this tsunami all the way from Japan

It's going to be hitting the West Coast any time

Oh, oh, here it comes

You can see it with your naked eye

There it is, here it comes, here it comes

It's a three-inch ripple right there

That three-inch ripple all the way from Japan

There it is, there it is, there it was, there it goes, there it goes

Folks, there was a shell here not two seconds ago

Right there, right in front of me

That shell is completely gone now

There is no trace of that shell

We were talking to a woman down by the water a little bit earlier

Right before the tsunami hit

She had a full glass of wine

That wine is down about that much now

Yeah, from the tsunami

And you know off-camera they're throwing

Rice and chopsticks into the water

You know, to make it look like it came from Japan

Throw it over there

Oh, look at the rice and the chopsticks in the water

Look at that flat-screen TV going by over there

Oh, check out this Toyota got washed up on the road

It looks like it's parked over there

Oh, my God, stay at home, everybody

These are acts of God, these are acts of God

They're not his best acts, I don't think

I think he's got better, I'm not that religious

I pray, you know, I pray sparingly

I pray when I really need something, you know

But some people, with their petty prayers, I'm telling you

It's like every second, they're praying

Like these baseball players, before they go up to bat

I'm thinking, what are you wasting a prayer on a silly game for?

Why don't you try practicing instead of asking for a miracle?

You know, why don't you go to the batting cage once in a while?

Or start juicing like everybody else?

Because one of these days

That guy's going to be in the operating table

He's going to be really needing that prayer

God, please get me through this surgery

I really need you to help me out

You know what? I would

But I gave you that home run in that game a couple of years ago

No no, You gave me a double

Oh, you're right, you're right, I did give you the double

Okay, I will get you through the surgery

But I'm going to have to give you a staph infection

That's all I could do

Do you think if Jesus twittered

He would be checking to see

How many followers he had all the time?

I bet he would

He's so like, that's all about numbers for him, isn't it?

But yeah, those are acts of God

And then there's man-made acts

You know, like things that we create

That we get ourselves into trouble for

Like these mines that collapse

Like that one in Chile, I mean, that was like, for 69 days

Those guys are trapped in this little dark space

I mean, I would have freaked out to be down there

I'm not good with the small, dark spaces

With Spanish-speaking people like that

But hem, yeah, I guess one of the guys

Apparently the wife had found out he had been having an affair

You know, not when he was, you know, in the hole there

If I was that guy, I would never have come out of that mine

I would have stayed down there

'Cause I know the tempers on those Chilean women

Not good, not good, I would have told those

Go ahead, I'll wait down here, I'll be all right

I would have asked them to drill another hole

From the other side of the world

I don't care how long it would have taken

I would have just gone out that way

And I still would have waited two weeks, before I went out that way

But yeah, and then they all came up out of the hole

You know, and they were in the sun, you saw it on the news

They're all out in the sun after being in the dark for 69 days

They're, you know, squinting, and they got the sunglasses

They all had sunglasses on

And I know what that's like, too

'Cause I was sleeping the other night

My wife turned the light on in the bedroom

I thought, okay, this is what the miners went through

But you don't see me calling myself a hero, do you? No

Heroes are soldiers or astronauts

Or people that walk on the moon, that's what a hero is

Thank you