Act 1: When I First Put This Uniform On

When I first put this uniform on

I said, as I looked in the glass

"It's one to a million that any civilian

My figure and form will surpass

Gold lace has a charm for the fair

And I've plenty of that, and to spare

While a lover's professions

When uttered in Hessians are eloquent everywhere!"

A fact that I counted upon

When I first put this uniform on!

By a simple coincidence, few could ever have counted upon

The same thing occurred to me

When I first put this uniform on!

I said, when I first put it on

"It is plain to the veriest dunce that every beauty

Will feel it her duty to yield to its glamour at once

They will see that I'm freely gold-laced in a uniform, handsome and chaste"

But the peripatetics of long-haired aesthetics

Are very much more to their taste

Which I never counted upon

When I first put this uniform on!

By a simple coincidence, few could ever have counted upon

I didn't anticipate that

When I first put this uniform on!