The Expectant Father

I was recent, I was going to say I was recently married

I was married January 12th, and we had a son five weeks ago

Now, to save you the trouble of counting on your fingers

That works out, it works out

But they say that a man can never have a child

Because he could never stand the pains that a woman

Goes through in delivering a baby and this is true

But a man does go through a little hell, too, you know

And after you're all finished and you have the baby

You begin to wonder how the world ever got overpopulated

Because everybody, everybody swears, that's the last one

That's the last I'm not going through that again

I'm not going through that

You read books, and you can read all the books in the world

And it isn't going to cover it, you know

But when it actually happens, believe me

You will turn to jelly like I did

And like every other expectant father does

My wife is very calm about it

I'm lying in bed, and I just heard some noise or something

A suitcase, and I wake up, and I say what's the matter

And she says, I think we better go to the hospital

Now, my immediate reaction is to just panic

But you've read in these books that you should be very calm

So I tried to be calm

I said, Okay, honey

I said, Now, have you been timing the contractions?

She said,yes, sir, about five minutes apart

Well, now, one of the books said this means six, seven hours

And we're 45 minutes from the hospital

But that's another thing you'll find out

That all obstetricians, any self-respecting obstetrician

Will always have his office

Forty-five minutes away from the hospital that he practices at, you see

And it's usually about an hour away from your home

This is for the father's benefit, so he can go crazy on the way there

Because you always have visions of having to

Deliver the baby, you know, and this can turn you into a deal

Any way I'm trying to be very calm

I said, all right, honey, you finish packing the suitcase

And by the way, you never use anything in the suitcase

They tell you to pack a suitcase

This is just to give the wife something to do

While the husband is getting dressed

Because you take the little bag down to the hospital

And they shove it off in a corner

And they give it to you when you leave

You know, and it's never open

So I went in the bathroom, and I shaved

And I put the Band-Aids on my face

Came out, you know, and I said, well, okay

Honey, I think we'd better go

And she said, aren't you going to call a doctor?

I said of course it's very good he should know about it

So he can be there, or at least a representative of his

So I went into the den very calmly

Looked up his number in the phone book

And dialed his number, picked up the phone, and said

And hung up and we went down

We got in the car you know we're about

Driving along and we're about 15, 20 minutes on our way

To the hospital and my wife says you know you call the doctor

I said yeah honey, i said Dr miller would be down there about

About half an hour you know nothing she said

Dr miller's my dentist what the hell do you call my dentist

So i said well they talk to other doctors and you know

I'm sure he'll know what to do

You know if a cab driver can deliver a baby certainly

A dentist can you know and of course whenever

You're in a hurry there's always two people in front of you

Who are practicing for a parade of some kind they're going about

Two miles an hour and my wife is timing the contractions now on the

Auto clock and they not too reliable anyway you know

And they're about three minutes apart and this is beginning

To worry me a little bit so i'm zooming down down wilshire

And i finally get to the hospital and figure you know finally

While we're here there are a lot of doctors around and nurses so

My concern should be over but it's not over

This is really when your troubles start

This hospital we went to is a strange hospital because

They have a parking lot and you have to put a quarter in this slot

And then the gate comes up you know they don't work on the honor

They figure you know you're going to drop your wife off

And then take off to acapulco or something

You know until it's over and it's not

The easiest thing to hit at 20 miles an hour

Which is about what i was doing when we arrived

At the hospital but fine we got inside and you go to the admitting office

You know there's a nurse there she says how do you do sir

What is your name, i said my name is Newhart

She said all right Mr new kirk and is this your wife

I said, no, this is a hitchhiker

She was hitchhiking down here to the hospital

And it's right on my way to work

It isn't that far out of the way, so I figured I'd drop her off

She said, well, we have to have the husband sign the paper

I said, I am the husband

I was just a little attempted humor there

She said, now, sir

Do you have Blue Cross or any other hospital plan?

And I'm getting a little panicky

I said, could I possibly answer the questions

While you take my wife upstairs?

And she said, well, no

We need your wife to sign the form at the end of it

So I said, well, if you wait about 15 minutes

All three of us can sign it

We can sign this form that's very important

And with this, she panicked because

She wasn't a nurse, it turned out

She's a clerk at the hospital, and she wouldn't have known

What to do if the baby came there

So she got her in the elevator and got her upstairs

And they have two wonderful rooms, wonderfully tidal rooms

They call one the labor room, and the other one

Is called the hard labor room

In other words, you're going to scream your head off in this room

Which makes the wife feel great

And you're allowed now to stay with your wife

For a while until she goes into the hard labor

So finally, they take my wife into the hard labor room

And you can find nothing out from any hospital people

If you're an expectant father

You are the lowest form of life in a hospital

No one, even maintenance people, will have nothing to do with it

And there are people running around, you know

With various assorted pans of one kind or another

With worried looks on their faces

And I don't think they're nurses

They're just people that are hired to run around looking worried

Because this makes the father feel better, you know

And then they have the father's room

It's sort of a torture chamber that they devise to drive

The father nuts while the wife is having the baby

And this is filled with guys you just wouldn't believe

You know, they're all like that

And there's one guy in there who has just had a baby

And he is superior to everybody else, you know

He's sort of gloating, you know

And, of course, I'm trying to get information out of him, you know

And I say, gee, they just took my wife into the hard labor room

And I'm like, what, will it be 15, 20 minutes, I guess?

No, five, six, seven hours

You say, see that poor guy over there in the corner?

32 hours he's been

And there's a guy in the corner

He's not making any sense at all

He's going, yeah, mom

I don't know, I don't know

So as I say, I don't know how the world ever got overpopulated

Because we swore we would never do it again

But it has a happy ending because we had a little son

Robert William and he was 7 pounds 14 ounces

And, oh, I became a father officially the other day

You're officially a father, you know, when the baby is born

But you aren't really a father until your baby has gone all over you

My son went all over me the other day

I'm a member of an exclusive fraternity now

But believe me, when it happens, it's mine