I Didn’t Use To

I made a rule when I was nineteen

That for a year I wouldn't lie

I didn't have a guilty conscience

So I made one over time

I thought for sure that was a process

That we all went through in life

I was embarrassed when I found out that it's not

At twenty-five, I watched a love I thought was real

Get up and go without a word

At worse, I rested on my laurels

At best, her morals were absurd

I saw our future like something I could

Program into one that she deserved

But I'm doing my best

Yeah, I'm doing my best

It's all I have left

I think I was made wrong

I didn't use to

I think I was made wrong

But I didn't use to

Am I staying too late?

Am I talking too much?

Was I better off before I knew whether I was?

I think I was made wrong

But I didn't use to

I am capable

I stand six feet high

I hold records in sports

My range is four octaves wide

I am capable

Yeah, I can do it myself

Every note, every frame, every pixel, what else?

I crochet in half double

I type moderately fast

I can parallel park

With my arms behind my back

Who's next? Let me at 'em

I don't care, I got all night

I am flawed, I'm a fraud

I am whatever you like

I want everything and nothing

I want silence, I want time

I want mansions, I want social housing

I want to provide, I want emotional stability

I want back my two best friends

I want a proper diagnosis

But I can't afford the test

I am doing my best

I think I was made wrong

I didn't use to

I think I was made wrong

But I didn't use to

Am I staying too late?

Am I talking too much?

Was I better off before I knew whether I was?

I think I was made wrong

But I didn't use to

Will I be this way forever?

Am I stuck with me?

They say it only gets better

I guess we'll have to see

I'm calling, I'm pleading, I'm begging for help

I'm starting to see it like everyone else

Am I selfish? Am I bitter? Am I self-involved?

Is it worse or is it better if I had known all along?

I'm calling, I'm pleading, I'm begging for help

I'm starting to see me like everyone else

I am human, I am worth more than what I provide

I'm starting to think maybe I like

That I was made wrong

I didn't use to

I think I was made wrong

But I didn't use to

Am I staying too late?

Am I talking too much?

Was I better off before I knew whether I was?

I think I was made wrong

But I didn't use to