You Can't Have Me (If You Don't Have Him)

My folks were small-time grifters

Yeah, and counterfeiters, too

They never did the kind of things

That most kids' parents do

Most fathers make a living

Keepin' books or pushing broom

But mom and dad made homemade dough

Right in our living room!

But when the heat got too intense

They took it on the lam

My father left a note that said

"Be better than I am!"

Then Jerry's clan across the hall

Stepped in to save the day

They took me in and raised me right

And that is why I say

That he's the needle, I'm the thread

He's the butter, I'm the bread

He's the fruit and I'm the peel

He's Achilles, I'm the heel

Yeah, he's my brother through and through

Like the Marx, the Wrights, the Grimm!

Yeah, you can't have "tea" without the "two"

And you can't have me if you don't have him!

Alright, back to work!

But don't you wanna hear Jerry's half of the story?

Gotta give the people what they want!

My folks were in a business, too

The business we call show

The house was full of hoofers

We were strictly S.R.O. 

They taught me every time step

Then I shuffled off to school

But on the south side of Chicago

No one loved this dancin' fool!

The gangster kids all knocked me down

And made off with my lunch

'Cause I was taught to buck and wing

But not to land a punch!

But then Joe here had a brainstorm

When he saw I couldn't fight

I played the odds against him

And we ate ice cream every night!

Yeah, he's the bait and I'm the hook

I'm the goose and he's the cook

He's the beans

And he's the gas

I'm the balls

And I'm the brass

You can't break up a winning team

Like that crutch and Tiny Tim!

And so you can't have "ah" without the

"Choo!"

And you can't have me if you don't have him!

Oh, when we play, it's just a fact

Our music fills the air

It's true that opposites attract

And so we make a perfect pair!

'Cause I'm the third, and he's the root

That's the place all chords begin

We're two of a kind

If you're colorblind!

Sep'rate mothers but we're brothers under the skin!

So what more can we tell ya, folks?

We're partners 'til the end

It's nice to know my brother here is

Also my best friend!

And when this duet's over

And the music's growin' dim

As the undertaker starts his spiel

Please remind him we're a package deal

'Cause you can't have verve

Without the vim

And you can't have me

If you don't have him!

Yeah, you can't have me if you don't have him!