I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks

Mm, if your ass is a Chinese restaurant

I'll have the poo-poo platter

My friend Jerry Vandergrift

Kissed me in Home Ec class

Later in the afternoon

Some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass

I said, guys, I'm like you, I like monster trucks, too

Want to see how many push-ups I can do?

I just wish I was a queer so I could get chicks

Dig guys that are queer

Guys that don't dig chicks

That don't dig guys like me

See, I'm not a queer, I'm too ugly

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be

Incognito as a gay though

But not actually that way, though, pseudo-homo-phony

Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity

But if I was a queer bee in the fashion industry

Scoring with a supermodel would be easy

'Cause supermodel means voluptuous

But also is synonymous with super dumb

You see, I'd be a good listener

So she'd treat me like a sister, and soon I'd become

That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair

No, it wouldn't take a week before I'm in her underwear

I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Chicks dig guys that are queer

Guys that don't dig chicks

That don't dig guys like me

See, I'm not a queer, I'm too ugly

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim

It's what's in my genes

The only smoked meat, the only sausage I would eat

Is made by Jimmy Dean

See, I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline

No, I'm not Princess Di and I don't want to be a queen

I just wish I was a queer so I could get chicks

Anyway, if I were gay

I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis

Hang out with my mom's hair stylist

His name is Kip, he's got a lisp, he talks like this

And wear my mother's lingerie

And learn the songs of Broadway

And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet

I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Dig guys that are queer

Guys that don't dig chicks

Dig guys that are queer

Guys that don't dig chicks

Dig guys that are queer

Guys that don't dig chicks

That don't dig guys like me

See, I'm not a queer, I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny

Don't shave my heiny

See, I'm not a queer, I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny

Don't shave my heiny

See, I'm not a queer, I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny

Don't shave my heiny

See, I'm not a queer, I'm too ugly