My Plus Fours

When I was growing bigger

Some plus-fours I had made

I knew they'd suit my figure

For the figure that I paid

When I bought them, I was skinned

As I walked home, the folks all grinned

For the three-bob sale price ticket was pinned

On my plus-fours

I nursed a baby once for fun

Gave him some milk and when he'd done

The colour all began to run

On my plus-fours

I've had them pressed, I've had them turned, but no one can tell

The front side is the backside, and they're inside out as well

The first night after I was wed

My bride, such nasty things she said

'Cause I was shy and went to bed

In my plus-fours

A spout I climbed my girl to see

I jumped, but a rusty nail caught me

And hanging from her balcony

Were my plus-fours

I rode a moke on Hampstead Heath

I was less on top than underneath

I rode three miles with a donkey's teeth

In my plus-fours

I've had them pressed, I've had them turned, but no one can tell

The front side is the backside, and they're inside out as well

Once in a hospital, oh lor

They X-rayed me and what is more

They were surprised at what they saw

In my plus-fours

On a chair, I sat with a girl so sweet

The paint was wet, then down the street

I ran like hell without a seat

On my plus-fours

My landlady has got good sense

To start the week, well, she'll commence

Each Monday, she gets 18 pence

On my plus-fours

I've had them turned, I've had them pressed, but no one can tell

The front side is the backside, and they're inside out as well

In a field, I slept just near some calves

A farmer woke me through his laugh

With a milkmaid, he was playing draughts

On my plus-fours