Ballad of Alferd Packer

This is the Ballad of Alferd Packer

An infamous guide in the Old West

In the state of Colorado

In the year of seventy-four

They crossed the San Juan Mountains

Growing hungry to the core

Their guide was Alferd Packer

They trusted him too long

For his character was weak

And his appetite was strong

They called him a murderer, a cannibal, a thief

It just doesn't pay to eat anything but government-inspected beef

Along the Gunnison River

An Indian camp they spied

An Indian chief approached them

To stop them he did try

He warned them of the danger

In the snow that lay around

But the danger was in Packer

For his hunger knew no bound

Yes, they called him a murderer, a cannibal, a thief

It just doesn't pay to eat anything but government-inspected beef

Two cold months went slowly by

Packer came back alone

"My comrades they all froze to death

I'm starving," he did moan

The Indian chief knew how he lied

He spat upon the ground

For his belly hung out all over his belt

He'd gained some thirty pounds

They called him a murderer, a cannibal, a thief

It just doesn't pay to eat anything but government-inspected beef

Well, for nine long years he ran away

But finally he was tried

He claimed he didn't kill them

He only ate their hides

That County had six Democrats

Until he did arrive

Well only one lives on today

He ate the other five

Chorus

Eighteen years he stayed in jail

It was a dreadful fate

For he suffered indigestion

Every time he ate

Still, it's hard to blame this hungry guy

Who went searchin' for the mines

For when he ate his friends

He'd never heard of Duncan Hines

For when he ate his friends

He'd never heard of Duncan Hines