Doc's Tune

I've got a little tale I'd like to tell to you Of fun and foolishness, and some of it's true Hey, some of it bad and some of it nice And a little of it, just plain old advice That is, to you young'uns that's thinking about getting married You can take some advice from an old hand 'Cause I jumped the broomstick a long time ago I got in awful late the other night And me and my wife had the darndest fight She pulled my hair and then mashed my nose Kicked my shins and stomped my toes That woman was mad at me Trouble of it was, she waited 'til I got my shoes off 'Fore she started anything Y'know, that ingrown toenail still hurts I was a'going down the road in my model T When a big chicken got in front of me I killed that rooster right there on the spot And I figured, well that's the only one the old man's got So I'd better go back and see about it I drove right up to the edge of his yard He's a 'chopping wood or working awful hard I looked the old man right square in the face And I says, "Sir, your rooster I'd like to replace" And he looked at me kind of puzzled for a minute And said, "Son, start crowing!" I was a'pulling up turnips down on my knees When I stirred up a nest of some kind of bee About three dozen got my pants And it wasn't very long 'til I began to dance I was a'doing the shimmy and the shake and the same time Y'know that's nearly enough to make a feller run off And leave his britches and that's just what I've done Couldn't help it I was standing in a corner by the mantlepiece And right over my head sat a bottle of grease I greased my feet with some of that grease And went slipping along under that mantlepiece Hunting cigarette butts, I wanted to do the job quick Found some birch toothbrushes But the girls had dipped all the snuff There wasn't a swipe left Make up the beds, gals, make 'em up nice That Doc and Bill Monroe's a'coming here tonight They love chicken, they love pie Don't tell our wives, but we like the sisters too I went down to the henhouse to look for an egg And I heard an old rooster shaking a leg He's a'giving big orders to them hens upstairs Strutting around and a'putting on air Them hens was singing, that rooster was kinda preaching He was a'bossing that place pretty well For when he took up a collection, they paid off in eggs I think I'll keep that rooster I was sitting in the woods on a great big log My finger on the trigger and my eye on a hog This is before they had the stock law, you know Pulled the trigger and my gun said zip And I jumped on the hog with all my grip, the thing misfired I could see the notches in his ears Where I'd branded him when he was a pig But I'll tell you, he was wilder than a jackrabbit, but he's fast There was a squirrel gnawing on a hickory nut You oughta heard that rascal cut I fired that gun and it made a big bang And the thing kicked me down and I couldn't see a thing Dang, and I broke my shoulder Worst part of it was, I missed my squirrel